IQ-145: Surprising Subconscious Influences Affecting Our Relationships and Connections

When Standing Up for Yourself Turns Abrasive

Welcome to Heal Yourself, Change Your Life. My name is Brandy Gillmore. And after recovering from my own life-changing injury, it’s become my mission to share with others the same discoveries that changed my health and my entire life. Our minds are truly incredible — and the placebo is proof of this.

Each week, I’ll take this simple awareness to a whole new level. I even coach live callers to free themselves of physical pain using only their mind — and then provide you with a combination of practical and spiritual insights that you can use to master your mind, your emotions, and your energy to help you heal your health, yourself, and your life.

Let’s begin.

The Pendulum Effect of Emotional Patterns

Hello and welcome to this week’s Quick IQ episode, where we talk about insights and questions. Today, I want to share with you a very simple — yet incredibly powerful — insight that can have a profound impact on your life.

Last week, we talked about the importance of human connection and even the Surgeon General’s warning about loneliness — how much it impacts your health, happiness, and longevity. Today, I want to take that awareness a step further — because there are invisible emotional factors that are shaping our health, relationships, and even our children’s confidence and happiness.

To explain where we’re going, let’s start with a simple analogy. Sometimes, in our world, we try to solve one problem — but end up creating another. For example, remember in the 1990s when everyone was told to stay out of the sun because it’s bad for your skin? That message created a new issue: vitamin D deficiency. Or think about pesticides — created to protect crops, but now we face the problem of chemical exposure in our food. It’s like the pendulum swings too far the other way.

The same is true emotionally. Often, people try to fix one emotional challenge — but in doing so, they swing into a different kind of imbalance without realizing it.

From People Pleasing to Abrasiveness

One of the clearest examples of this pattern is around the idea of “don’t be a people pleaser.” We’ve all heard the message: stand up for yourself, have a voice, speak your truth. And yes — that’s incredibly important. But what’s missing from that message is the reminder to do it with kindness and love.

What’s happening is that more and more people — even children — are being encouraged to speak up, but not being guided on how to do so with care. As a result, they’re becoming more abrasive, and that abrasiveness is eroding relationships, trust, and connection. When communication loses its kindness, even the most well-intentioned “truth” can create hurt and division.

The Ripple Effect on Kids and Adults

I’m seeing this even with children who are told, “You have to stand up for yourself.” But without the companion teaching — “Do it with kindness” — they end up facing rejection, friendship drama, and pain. They feel confused, because they’re “doing what they were told,” yet it’s not working. Their confidence drops, and connection becomes harder.

And it’s not just kids. I’ve seen adults go through the same cycle — especially those who’ve spent years being people pleasers. When they finally learn to set boundaries, they sometimes swing too far into rigidity or righteousness. They tell themselves, “I’m just being honest,” but their tone and energy are abrasive. Then, relationship after relationship fails — and they don’t realize it’s because the energy behind their truth doesn’t feel loving.

The Power of Kind Communication

There’s a simple but profound shift that changes everything: be kind in your truth. You can have boundaries and still be gentle. You can speak your truth and still come from a place of love. That’s how we maintain connection — through energy that invites safety and openness, not defensiveness.

When we speak with compassion, it strengthens relationships — whether romantic, family, friendship, or business. People feel heard, respected, and understood. And that creates emotional harmony — which directly impacts health, happiness, and overall well-being.

A Hidden Subconscious Pattern

I know this sounds simple — but for most people, this subconscious pattern is invisible. They don’t even realize they’re being abrasive. They think they’re “just being real” or “finally standing up for themselves.” But the subconscious mind is tricky — it can mix self-protection with aggression. Once you become aware of it, though, that awareness itself becomes a turning point for change.

And this is so important because it’s not just about external relationships — this pattern affects your internal peace as well. Abrasiveness keeps the nervous system in a state of tension, while kindness and empathy restore balance and calm.

Healing the Pendulum Swing

Think about it: someone goes from being overly compliant to overly defensive — from no boundaries to harsh ones. Both extremes disconnect us from love and safety. The goal is balance — to have a voice and a heart.

When you communicate with kindness, your relationships deepen. You experience more harmony, intimacy, and connection. And when you combine that with the awareness of your emotions — the same principles I use when helping volunteers release pain — you create an internal environment that supports healing and joy.

Transforming Relationships and Health

As we’ve seen in so many episodes, emotions are energy. Hurt, anger, or rejection don’t just impact relationships — they also affect the body. So when you learn to express yourself in ways that are kind and connected, you’re not just healing relationships — you’re healing your energy field and your body too.

And it’s not about being perfect. It’s about awareness and practice. If you notice yourself being reactive, take a deep breath, reconnect with love, and reframe your communication. This one shift can change everything — your relationships, your mood, and even your physical vitality.

Final Thoughts and Takeaways

So I want to invite you to reflect on this in your life. Are there areas where you might be swinging to the extreme — where your boundaries or truths are coming across as harsh? If so, just take a moment to soften them. Kindness doesn’t weaken your boundaries; it strengthens them because it builds trust and respect.

And when you bring this energy into your relationships — whether with family, friends, coworkers, or children — you’ll find that connection, harmony, and love become easier and more natural. This is how we not only create healthier relationships but also a healthier world.

So as we close, remember — you can stand up for yourself and still stand in love. It’s that balance that brings healing to both you and those around you.

Closing Message

As always, I want to ask you to please take a quick moment to hit the share button. Share this episode with someone you love, someone you care about, or even someone you don’t know — because the more happy, healthy, and loving each person becomes, the better our world will be for all of us.

Thank you for listening to Heal Yourself, Change Your Life. If this episode touched your heart or opened your mind in any way, please share it with others. Every person who becomes more aware and empowered helps shift our collective consciousness toward greater love and healing.

And remember, if you’d like to send in questions or be a volunteer on the show, visit brandygillmore.com. And of course, continue working with your doctors — but make it your goal to blow their minds with what you’re capable of with yours.

You are truly incredible. Thank you for being here, and I look forward to connecting with you on the next episode.