238 Transcript: Overcoming People Pleasing for Better Health and Relationships

Heal Yourself Change Your Life

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Welcome to Heal Yourself, Change Your Life. My name is Brandy Gillmore. And after recovering from my own life changing injury, it's become my mission to share with others the same discoveries I made that changed my health and my entire life. Our minds are truly incredible. The placebo is proof of this.

Each week, I will take this simple awareness to a whole new level. I will even coach live callers to free themselves of physical pain using only their mind. And then I'll provide you with a combination of practical and spiritual insights that you can use to help you to master your mind, your emotions, and your energy to help you heal your health, yourself, and your life.

Let's begin.

Hello and welcome. It is so wonderful to connect with you. I just love that you are here. Continue me to expand your mind, your energy, your consciousness, your healing. I just love it. And I just love. Today's episode, I love how it highlights different complexities when it comes to healing or life transformation or relationship transformation.

And part of the topic, one of the things that we're going to talk about today has to do with the topic of people pleasing. And one of the things that I love about this episode is that it does highlight some of the complexities that are, that surround people pleasing. You know, what you'll see as we go through this episode is that with our volunteer, so I work with a beautiful volunteer, Peter, but what you'll see is that people pleasing is both linked to his pain and also when he tries to step out of people pleasing, his pain actually goes away.

instead of down. And so it's like a catch 22. The people pleasing is connected to the pain, but when he goes to try to change it, his pain increases. And so what I love about this episode is that it provides a lot of clarity on on the topic of people pleasing, because can be hard in relationships, navigating relationships with love and being loved or safety and feeling safe.

And yet also feeling true to yourself and true to what you're doing in life and true to your own integrity. And, and so there's just a lot of beautiful pieces that really come together clearly in today's episode. And so that's where we're going now. I mentioned our beautiful volunteer. His name is Peter.

And in his situation, as we delve in, he works for an advertising agency and his issues that are coming up stem from his connections at work. However, I've worked with these same type of issues with people in their own relationships, either with their parents and family members or spouse or even with their children.

And so what I love about today's message is that. Even though it has to do with work in this scenario, that you'll be able to see how this can apply to really any area of life. And so that's what I really love about today's episode. And again, our beautiful volunteer, his name is Peter. He's such a sweetheart and he's feeling very stuck in his situation.

Though he didn't even realize that it was really an issue. And so again, that's what I really love about these episodes is they just highlight these things in your life that you may not even realize consciously are occurring. And so that said, let's go ahead and dive in with our beautiful volunteer, Peter.

Here we go.

Hello. Hello. Hi. It's wonderful to connect with you. You too. Thank you. Absolutely. Thank you. And what can I help you with today? Um, so, uh, I decided to reach out to you and as a volunteer because I have chronic pain, mainly in my glute area. I can feel it also to some degree in my, my mid back down the spine and then the glutes and, uh, like sometimes, uh, down the legs.

And what level is it right now? Right now, I would give it around 3 in the buttocks and like the stiffness when I try to bend the spine, I would say it's around maybe 4. This is, uh, yeah. Okay. So about a 3 in the buttocks and about a 4 of stiffness in the, when you try to bend, correct? Yes. Okay, so uh, so give me one second, and um, alright, so I'm going to ask you just for a moment to breathe, and if I ask you how much stress You have around the topic of work, what would you say?

Zero to 10. When I think about work, there are like several things packed together. Well, overall, the feeling I have, maybe it's like six. I feel like my job is not so demanding, but, uh, yeah, on the other hand, uh, Hmm, maybe I feel some stress around interacting with my coworker. Uh, and there is like another thing that maybe I'm like, don't feel fully satisfied with my job, like.

Probably I would like to do maybe something more for myself. Okay. And if I ask you, uh, zero to 10, how much you feel like you dislike, uh, working where you are? Zero to 10, what would you say? Okay. So this is not so obvious for me because on one hand, I like some aspects of this world. Uh, so it's, um, so I cannot say I fully dislike this job that I'm currently, uh, doing, maybe five, taking into account the interactions that I'm having, not always so smooth, um, I'll give it a five.

And well, on the surface, like everything seems to work fine. But, like, maybe underneath there is, like, some ongoing tension, you know, in the relationships with the, uh, with the coworker. Okay. But just to mention, like, this injury and the problem started actually before I worked with this specific person.

Okay. Uh, it feels like somebody else. Um, what is your boss or supervisor's, um, first initial? Um, I'm kind of a supervisor of this team. And if I ask you zero to ten, how much you can find the feeling of feeling like, bingo, a feeling like you don't deserve to be the supervisor. Zero to 10, how much can you find that feeling?

Well, probably six or seven when I don't find an authority or respect. Okay. So I'm gonna ask you to breathe Uhhuh . And so I'm gonna ask you to breathe and I want you to notice just for a moment, the level of frustration towards that. Um, I'm gonna ask you to breathe and I want you to notice the part of you who feels like you don't deserve to be a supervisor and.

So, notice the part of you that's feeling really frustrated, um, about not feeling respected. You can see that, right? Mm hmm. Okay? Yes. I'm going to ask you just for a moment to breathe. Now, if you were respected, if you felt a hundred, a hundred percent respected, a hundred percent, how much more would you like your job?

Well, a lot more. A lot. Because actually, yeah, because actually this is, this aspect probably is the, the main thing that's like kind of taking, you know, the ease, I would say, uh, you know, being my workplace. So I'm going to ask you just for a moment to breathe.

All right. So let's go ahead and pause it just for a quick moment. You know, first and foremost, I love his self awareness. I love his self honesty, just beautiful. And I wanted to take a moment to highlight what he mentioned. And it was this, is that if this painful pattern wasn't going on of feeling, you know, not and this problem with his coworker, that he would really love what he did and love his work a lot more.

And what I love about this awareness is a lot of times if people have patterns that show up at work or even in relationships, but have painful patterns, a lot of times they'll just feel like, Oh, I don't like working or, You know, or I hate relationships or I hate people, you know, I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say that, you know, those words, I like dogs better than I do people.

And what happens is that in any area of life, if there's a painful pattern that keeps showing up, it makes it feel like that activity is not fun. However, I mean, let's be honest, there are also people who are workaholics, who love what they do, who are working all of the time, or even not necessarily a workaholic, but just have a passion for what they do.

And that for me has been a pattern. Like, I have always Loved what I did, you know, my first job and even working in technology. I loved what I did. I was very good at it, would figure things out all of the time and that was fun. I like figuring things out and discovering new things and, and you know, making a difference and, and I did that in technology and now I do it in what I do also now.

And so point being is that whatever it is in your life, no matter what area, maybe it's relationships, people, work, whatever it is, when we look at those negative patterns and we genuinely transform them, we do like what we do or life or relationships, every part of life. A lot better. And so again, I just wanted to highlight what he mentioned and just his beautiful heart.

So I love that. And let's go ahead and dive back in with beautiful Peter. Here we go.

Now, by the way, are you younger than some of the other people on the team? Not my team, uh, this time. The other person I work with, I'm not younger, I just maybe also coordinate other people in the office who are doing some services for us. They happen to be older than me. Okay. And if I ask you just for a moment to close your eyes, and if I ask you just for a moment, the part of you who feels like you're younger than others, too, like young to be a supervisor, can you see that part of you?

I would say there's, I feel some kind of weakness in this aspect, maybe. Okay. Okay. So let me put it in another way, if I ask you right now, if you knew right now that of course you deserve to be the supervisor. Of course you deserve to be the supervisor. Now, if I ask you honestly, do you feel like you have the skills to be the supervisor?

In terms of knowledge and that I do have the qualifications to be a supervisor. Okay. So if I ask you zero to 10, how much do you feel like you have the knowledge, the qualifications, and that you can do a great job at it? Hmm. Now when you ask about this, I don't feel so confident about this. Okay. And if I ask you, go ahead.

No. Yes. Just maybe four or five. Mm-Hmm. how much confident they feel. Okay. And so if I ask you, are you clear on your KPIs or on your goals that you need to meet to do a great job? Are you clear on those? I'm not sure. Probably. Okay, so if I ask you, how well do you feel like you could do? How well do I feel I could do?

Yep. Okay, so typically in a business setting, there's typically goals and objectives for each team member, right? Okay, so Typically in a business, there's KPIs, and then each person strives to meet certain metrics or certain data points of what their goal is. Right. So as a supervisor, if I ask you, do you feel like you're meeting the objectives and the responsibility of the role and that you can lead the team there?

This kind of goes back to the feeling that I don't feel that I am fully capable of Okay. Demanding the things from my co worker. Okay. Now, what if you didn't need to demand the things, but what if there was a way to get those things? And, okay, so let's say it in this way, is what would you need to do or change to set yourself up for success?

I think I should communicate better with the co worker. Great, great, great. I love that. So imagine if you start communicating better and if I ask you, are you good at delivering goals and deadlines and communicating deadlines and expectations and all that? Are you good at delivering that very clearly? I don't probably set tasks in this way in my work.

Okay, would it be helpful if you did? Yeah, for sure it would be helpful if I would give clear instructions of what I would like to be accomplished. Okay, which I'm at the moment not doing. Okay, great. Could you change that? I believe I can, but also there's like some fear around reaction of other person that they will be like offended and I don't know.

Okay. Okay. So out of curiosity, would you say that it would be helpful for the success of the company if you did set goals and deadlines and objectives and all of that? Would that help you be more successful in your endeavors? Yes. Yes. A little bit more or a lot more? But yeah, I think everything would be operating better.

Okay. So a lot more, right? Okay. Zero to 10, how much more do you think it would improve everything? Zero to 10. Seven. I'm still concerned about, uh, the, I would say, reaction, or atmosphere, or, uh I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. Okay, but it would also improve the company at a level seven, correct? Probably even more.

Probably even more. Okay, so I love your awareness, so I'm gonna ask you just for a moment to breathe. Okay, now imagine for a moment, if you were able to approach the team, your coworker, and even say something like, Hey, let's see if we can make a plan. And it felt very team oriented. So it wasn't demanding and commanding, but instead said, Hey, let's make some projections Because if we can get a map of what we're going to be doing for the next month or two or whatnot to meet the objectives, that would be really helpful.

Does that make sense? Yes. Okay. I'm going to ask you just for a moment to breathe. Now I want you to picture just for a moment, let's say you have a company, right? So let's say you have a company and there is an employee working for you, right? And the employee is afraid to make changes. Because they don't want anybody to be upset with them, but they also know that changes need to be made to be more successful.

What would you want the employee to do? I would like him to step up and make the change. Okay. Okay. So yeah, so stepping up and making the change. Great. Now, I want you to think about doing so in a very collaborative way. Like how could you do so in a way that's That feels really good. I would like really to do it in this way, and this is my intention as well.

It's just like, I have this kind of pattern that either I think I do it in a bit maybe angry way, like not openly angry, but you know, probably underlying anger. Or I would just make it like in a very soft way that probably I don't feel like meets the reaction and the elaboration that I would like to see.

Okay. If you think about it now, first and foremost, are you willing to change? Number one. Yes. Yes, I want you to notice your level of pain. Zero to ten. What's your level of pain? I think it's more or less on the same level. Maybe even, maybe even a bit up. Yep, more pain. Yep, so I noticed it went up and that's what I wanted you to notice.

So that's what I would say. It's about a level, like about a level five. Okay? Okay, so it's gone up, but you noticed that. So I'm gonna ask you to breathe. And I want you to notice how much you have fear towards your co workers. Zero to ten. How much are you afraid of your co worker? Five or six. Okay, so I'm going to ask you to breathe, and notice for a moment, you said either you're so soft that you're not getting the results, or you get angry and get upset.

To then try to get the results. And it's, you have those, just those two things, right? Now, what if there was an organizational way, like you said, Hey, We're going to start putting everything on a calendar or there's a new project management system that we're going to use Right now imagine for a moment if you told the team if you told your co worker that there's a new project management system that you want to start using or Whatnot there's a new way A new technology or a project management system or a calendar system or something like that you want to start using that would be beneficial.

How would your coworker respond to that? I think it sounds better. Bingo. So I'm going to ask you to breathe. So it sounds better. So if you said to your coworker, Hey, by the way, so there's a piece of technology, a new calendar way that we can do for project management to set this up, that can help us to measure to blah, blah, blah.

This is really exciting. I'm really excited about it. Let's start doing this. This is an organized way that's gonna help us be more organized, etc. Blah blah blah all of that Notice how that would feel, right? Okay, so I'm gonna ask you to breathe and I want you to notice your level of pain Zero to ten.

What's your level? I think it went down a bit The five we assumed before was like this like maybe Four or three. Okay, bingo Bing it, that's what I would say, back down to about a level three. So I'm going to ask you just for a moment to breathe and give me one second.

All right. So I want to go ahead and pause the session right here because the insights from this are very profound. So first, if we think about it for a moment, if we just simplify everything. You'll notice our beautiful volunteer, Peter, he's people pleasing. Basically, he's not wanting to upset his, his co worker.

He's not wanting to upset him. And so, he's not managing him the way that he really needs to, and the way that he knows that he needs to. And so, because he's not managing him, the way that he needs to, technically he's not in good integrity towards the advertising agency he works for. So he's not in good integrity and that is affecting his health.

And he's also feeling, you know, disrespected and hurt and, and these feelings. Now, notice for a moment when I asked him to move it forward, that what would happen if he did start to do What he knows that he needs to do. If he did start to do the right thing and manage. his employee, you know, his coworker, but manage him even more if he did do the right thing and what would happen and what that would look like.

And there's two things. He said, well, that would be a lot more productive for the company. So that was one. But then the second thing that happened at that time is his pain also went up, not down. And so the problem is is that he's stuck in this catch 22 where he's trying to If he's not doing what he should be doing in his work, it's affecting his health.

He's got pain because he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing. But if he goes to correct it and improve the situation, he has more fear towards his co worker. And this gentleman that he's managing, he has increased fear, which then also increases his pain. And so there's a few things to note from this is number one, we hear all of the time you hear people say, well, just don't people please.

And what you want to keep in mind is that of course you don't want to get stuck in a situation with people pleasing, but it's not always just ripping yourself out of the situation And just saying, well, I, I just have to just do it differently because I've seen people do that and then they have more health issues or then they vacillate between being stuck in fear and then people pleasing and being stuck in fear and that and people pleasing.

And so a lot of people who are trying to get out of that people pleasing pattern, they do, they'll go back and forth in and out of it. Because it does feel complex to them, and as you can see from this situation, it is. It can be very complex. And so, that leads us to the second insight, is that in some cases, we really need to find a different way to approach it.

And that's what I was talking to Peter about, is saying, okay, well, what if you did it in a different way? What if you introduce some new software or you introduced a new way of managing that was even more impactful, that was harmonious, that felt kind? Because as you'll recall, he, that he mentioned that he vacillates between speaking too soft, and not being heard and not being listened to, to then getting angry.

And that's not helpful either. So notice he's got this whole pattern of vacillating between, okay, things aren't getting done and I need them to get done. So I'm going to get upset to then also just not saying anything or being too soft and vacillating back and forth. And so in this case, it's very important for him to find another way to approach the situation.

Okay. And, all of the time, I'll see that very thing where somebody may feel stuck, and the more that a person becomes clear on the situation, the more they can start to move things in a new direction. And so, in this case, that's what he's going to want to do. Now, I want to be clear. It's more than just an action that I'm asking him for at this point.

What really needs to happen is also a new expectation, meaning this, meaning at this point. Peter is feeling very stuck in his situation. There's not a way to move it forward. He's stuck at work. Like there, there's this situation that he feels very stuck in without hope to make it a better way. He feels stuck and in fear.

So technically what I'm speaking to him about isn't just a new action. It's also to help him create a new expectation that there could be a harmonious way. to do this so he doesn't feel so stuck and there is a way to move forward. So that is key. And for this reason, I actually want to pause the session right here and I'll continue with the second half of Peter's session next week.

But the reason I want to pause it is two things. I want to invite you to look at this in your own life. Number one, if you've been stuck. in a place of people pleasing, to notice why that is. Is it a feeling of fear? Is it a fear of abandonment? Is it a fear of loss of love? Like, what is really going on for you that's keeping you stuck?

And in your case, it might be love. It might be fear of abandonment. In which case, You would also want to create a new expectation that you would be loved moving forward, that you, there is a harmonious way to move forward. that is loving and is safe and is connecting. And so that's what I want to invite you to look at just because again, I know that so many people can be stuck in this place of people pleasing, which can be affecting your health or your life or your relationships or your happiness and can be affecting you in multiple ways, but then can also feel impossible.

And so that's what I want to just invite you to look at in this. It's just notice if you have these patterns in your life. And if so, I want to invite you to look at a few things, which are this, which are, you know, how you can feel safe, how you could feel loved and how you could have positive expectation moving forward.

So that's today's episode. And again, we'll continue working with Peter with the rest of the session on next week's episode. So I look forward to connecting with you there. And as always, I want to ask you to please do take a quick moment to hit the share button on this episode, you know, share it with somebody you love, somebody you care about, or somebody you don't care about.

because the more happy and healthy and loving and loved that every single person is, the better this world is for all of us. And so please do make a point to hit the share button and please do make a point to have a most wonderful, incredible rest of your day.

Thank you for listening to Heal Yourself, Change Your Life. All of the time people reach out and say how much these episodes have given them hope or touch their heart or help them stay positive in hard times or even woken them up to a completely new level of awareness. Of how amazing we all really are.

If today's episode touched your heart or expanded your mind in any way, please do me a favor and be sure to share it with those you care about, or those, you know, who really need it. As more and more people become empowered, it really will change our world for the better. That is the point and the power of these demonstrations is to create a radical shift in our world consciousness.

By showing everyone what we are all capable of. And of course, each volunteer will really need to follow through to reinforce their programming to maintain their results. But the point is for you to see that you really can create rapid results in your health and your life. If you really understand how to use your mind, you're incredible.

And I do want to be clear though, that most people will not get results this fast on their own. I make it look very easy because of the discoveries that I made. You'll want to remember that there's so much more going on in our minds at a deeper level than people realize. That said, if you want to send me any questions or comments, come visit me on my website at brandygillmore.

com slash podcast. And if you're currently experiencing physical pain and would like to be a volunteer on the show, you can sign up there as well. Lastly, Please remember, if you do have any health issues, you won't want to avoid your doctors. Instead, you'll want to continue seeing them and make it your goal to blow their minds with what you're capable of with your mind.

Thank you.

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In this course Brandy shares the exact things she did to heal (even when doctors told her there was nothing more she could do) so you too can be empowered with tools and techniques to heal yourself and change your life. Click here to learn more.

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Also, please remember that genuine change and follow through are key for self-healing results. If you struggle with negative thoughts or have a chronic health issue or chronic pain, please do not avoid seeing your doctor.

Instead, your goal with self-healing should be to continue to see your doctor as recommended and blow their mind with what you are capable of with your mind and with the power of mind-body healing.  Please enjoy this self-healing podcast!