315: Healing Family Dynamics & Parenting: Releasing Frustration and Creating More Love and Happiness

Welcome to Heal Yourself, Change Your Life. My name is Brandy Gilmore, and after recovering from my own life-changing injury, it’s become my mission to share with others the same discoveries I made that changed my health and my entire life. Our minds are truly incredible. The placebo is proof of this.

Each week I will take this simple awareness to a whole new level. I’ll even coach live callers to free themselves of physical pain using only their mind, and then I’ll provide you with a combination of practical and spiritual insights that you can use to master your mind, your emotions, and your energy to help you heal your health, yourself, and your life.

Let’s begin.

Hello and welcome. It is so wonderful to connect with you. I just love that you are here continuing to expand your mind, your energy, your consciousness, your healing. I just love it.

And I love today’s episode for so many reasons. Today, I work with a beautiful volunteer. Her name is Jess, and one of the many things that I love about her is her heart—like the level that she loves her children and her family and her husband is really, it’s just, it’s beautiful.

And also, and what you’ll notice as we dive in, is that there’s also some stress around being a perfectionist, and also some frustrations that are coming up, and some overwhelm and whatnot, and all of that. And that’s part of where we’re going.

Understanding the Body’s Messages

Of course, one of the things that I love about mind-body healing is just always the awareness that our bodies—if there’s some type of illness or injury or whatnot—that the body is literally giving you a message to change, a message to really transform, and it’s beautiful the way that it shows up.

The analogy you hear me use all of the time is, you know, if somebody’s driving a car and the check engine light comes on, it is literally like a, you know, check engine light, a warning saying, “Hey, something is off.”

And what I love about—even as we go through the session today—and you just think about it in that way: that the body is giving her a beautiful message.

And by the way, part of the reason that I say it’s such a beautiful message is one of the things that I love is that as I wrapped up with this beautiful volunteer from today, she said, “You know what? This has been my dream. It has been my dream to just be a wonderful mother.”

And it’s just—the sweetness that comes from it, honestly, is just beautiful. And so it’s hard to describe, but you’ll get what I mean as we step in, because there’s also some stress and some negative emotions that are connected that are, of course, she’ll want to change. And so that’s where we’re going as we step in with our beautiful volunteer, Jess. Here we go.

Jess’s Journey Begins

Hello. It’s wonderful to connect with you.

Jess: Yes. Wonderful. Beautiful. It’s wonderful to connect with you.

Brandy: How can I help you with today, beautiful?

Jess: That’s okay. Um, I thought I would try and work on my fingers. I have pain in my middle finger and ring finger and it goes down into my, the middle of my hand, and it’s mainly on my right hand, but sometimes it’s on my left as well. And when that’s happening, it also kind of resonates under my arm. I’ve had work done on it and everything, but it just doesn’t seem to want to go away and no one has a reason as per usual.

Brandy: Okay, I hear you. And how long has it been there for?

Jess: Oh, years and years. It started 12 years ago. I managed to get it to go away through exercise and then it came back, yeah, probably four years ago.

Brandy: Okay, all right. So let’s dive in. If I ask you your current level of pain right now, what is that? What is your current level, zero to ten?

Jess: Oh, I’d say probably a two and a half.

Brandy: Okay. And if you move them, does it typically go up?

Jess: Uh, no, it’ll go down with movement.

Brandy: Okay. All right. And you said it’s higher in your middle finger and in your ring finger?

Jess: Yes, correct. Yes.

Brandy: Okay. All right. So give me one second. And worse on the right side?

Jess: Yes, worse on the right side, but it’s in both hands.

Brandy: Okay, and just those two fingers on both sides?

Jess: Correct. Yes.

Brandy: Okay. All right. Give me one second… bingo.

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Releasing Control and Embracing Freedom

Brandy: So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And if I ask you, zero to ten, how much you have a feeling of feeling like you hate to be controlled, what would you say?

Jess: Oh, ten.

Brandy: And if I ask you how often you feel that feeling of, like, “Don’t try to control me, don’t tell me what to do,” that type of feeling—if I ask you how often you feel that feeling, what would you say?

Jess: Hmm. I don’t feel like I feel it all the time because I’ve made life decisions that free me of that.

Brandy: Bingo. Okay. So if I asked you to notice the part of you, how you feel like that’s been a big theme in your life, can you see that?

Jess: Well, if I ask you how much you felt controlled in the past, what would you say?

Jess: Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Brandy: And if I ask you how big of an upset did you have around that?

Jess: Yeah, huge. Huge.

Brandy: Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And if I ask you to notice the part of you that’s really sensitive to this topic, can you see that?

Jess: The part of my body?

Brandy: Just the feeling in general. It’s kind of like if you even remotely felt like somebody was trying to control you, can you see there would be a part of you that might be reactive?

Jess: Yeah. And I think that part’s probably in my heart.

Brandy: Okay. Tell me more about that. It’s in your heart?

Jess: Well, I think it might be. I’m thinking that the control was from my dad, and so I’m feeling like that was quite heartbreaking to feel all of that pressure.

Brandy: Okay. Now, if I ask you also as far as relationships, if I ask you if you experienced that in relationships, what would you say?

Jess: I get told I’m the controlling one in the relationship.

Brandy: Bingo. Bingo. Mm-hmm. Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe.

And I’m going to ask you to notice that if I ask you, zero to ten, how much you are controlling, what would you say?

Jess: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a seven.

Brandy: Okay. I would’ve said a little bit higher.

Jess: Okay. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Brandy: Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And if I ask you what would it look like if you weren’t afraid of being controlled? If you weren’t afraid of being controlled, you also didn’t feel the need to have to control, you didn’t want to control others, and you weren’t afraid of being controlled—but you also had no desire to control others. What would that look like to you?

Jess: Yeah, I think it would be lighter, more free.

Brandy: Bingo. Little bit lighter or a lot lighter?

Jess: I think it’ll be lighter and happier.

Brandy: Bingo. Bingo. Now, by the way, if I ask you how much did you like being controlled by your father?

Jess: Yeah, not at all.

Brandy: Not at all. And so if I ask you how much did you love him, though?

Jess: Yeah, I’d loved him. Like a loyal love.

Brandy: Mm-hmm. So I want you to think about your relationships and what does it look like to have less control and more love—less control and more love, loving, sweet, loving, fun connection. What does that look like?

Jess: It looks fun and happy.

Brandy: Ah, fun and happy. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. I’m going to ask you to breathe and… If I ask you, would you be willing to make this change?

Jess: Yeah. I feel a little hesitation because I’m the mom of three kids, and I make their world go round, so I’m doing everything for the family. So it’s hard to let go when nobody’s listening to you and then their life doesn’t, you know, go round. I’m the one that feeds everyone and dresses everyone and just does everything for everybody.

Brandy: Okay. Yes. I feel like I’m holding onto that control a bit, just so that everybody’s life flows.

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Empowering Instead of Controlling

Brandy: Okay, so I have a question though. How old are your children?

Jess: Uh, seven, ten, and twelve.

Brandy: Okay. And so if I ask you what if you started asking for accountability instead of control?

Jess: Oh yeah, I do that all the time. But they’re seven, ten, and twelve, so they don’t listen very well.

Brandy: Okay. I mean, unless you’ve said it, you know, ten times, whatever you need done.

Jess: Okay. Well, it depends, right?

Brandy: Yeah, it depends. Okay. Have you ever heard before that—okay, so there are a few things. So watch this. So if I want to open my window, okay, if I got a hammer, do you think I could do it rather quickly?

Jess: Probably.

Brandy: Probably, right. Now how do you think it is after the fact if I’ve opened the window with a hammer?

Jess: Well, it’s broken.

Brandy: Yeah. So probably not so good. There are probably better ways to do it, right?

Jess: Mm-hmm.

Brandy: So notice how to get your children to listen, there’s a strong feeling of needing to control them, right?

Jess: Yeah.

Brandy: And are there better ways that would be more successful at it that might take a moment? So in other words, for me to open my window, a hammer might work faster, okay? But in the end, then I have a lot more cleanup versus if I just take a moment and open the window. Right?

Jess: Hmm.

Brandy: So point being is it’s kind of like this—could I get upset at somebody and get upset to get my way? Sure I could. And at the end of the day, how is the window, how is that relationship? Versus establishing habits and respect and accountability and whatnot. What does that look like? Does that make sense?

Jess: It does, but I’m the mom that does have these conversations with them all the time, all day long. And I’m very calm and respectful in the way I speak to them. And then it takes doing that ten times before they’re still not listening and doing what I’ve asked until I do a warning of raising my voice.

Brandy: Exactly. And then I’m kind of saying to them, “Why are you waiting until I raise my voice?”

Jess: Okay.

Brandy: Why don’t you do it while I’m asking you respectfully? Okay. Can I speak to that?

Jess: Sure.

Brandy: So what I would say is you’ve trained them that they don’t need to listen the first nine times.

Jess: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Brandy: Okay. How do I stop that then?

Jess: Exactly.

Brandy: I would literally do this: you ask them something and then if they don’t listen, then I wouldn’t do it the same way again. I would instead ask them and say, “Excuse me, what did I just ask you to do? Did you hear me?”

Jess: Yeah.

Brandy: “What did I just ask you to do?” And then they repeat it. “Okay, now please go do that.” So now if I ask and they haven’t done it, I say, “Wait a second, excuse me, please.” So it can be very kind and very nice, but very, very direct also.

“Excuse me, did—what did I just ask you to do? Did you hear me, what I asked you to do?” “Yeah, you said to do…” “Okay, so go ahead and do that.” So I’m going to ask you just for a moment to think about that change for a moment.

Because now instead of telling them and telling them, you’re asking, right?

Jess: Yeah.

Brandy: Okay. And then if you ask, and then if they still don’t do it, and you say, “Look it, go ahead and go to your room. I’ve asked you to do something you’re not doing. Go ahead and if there’s something that you need, then let’s talk about it. Other than that, go ahead and go to your room until you can follow through with the directions that I’ve given you.”

Jess: Yeah.

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Empowering the Next Generation

Brandy: So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Now, if I ask you, honestly, do you think that that approach could work even better?

Jess: Yeah, I mean, I think I do do that most of the time. Ten times is a big exaggeration. It does sound a lot like what you’re saying.

Brandy: Okay. So you—I’m not sure if that’s control, that’s just getting their life to move around.

Jess: Okay. To flow.

Brandy: So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Give me one second. And if I ask you how many—how often you’ve done this, where you’ve asked them to do something and then they don’t necessarily do it and you say, “Never mind, I’m just going to do it.”

Jess: Oh, no, no, no. My anger kicks in and I say, “You are doing this. There’s no way you are not listening.”

Brandy: Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. So notice for a moment how they’ve learned that when you get angry, they need to listen, right?

Jess: Mm-hmm.

Brandy: Okay. And what I would invite you to do is this. I would invite you to think about it in a different way where it becomes empowering. And what I mean by that is where you just set boundaries and then you follow through with them.

So for example, if you said, “Hey, if I need to ask you again, you’re going to go to your room.” And then the thing of it is, you never need to get angry. Because what happens is then you say, “Okay, go to your room.” And they say, “But mom!” And you say, “Look, it was your decision. I told you. It was not a good decision that you made to not do it.” So you’re making them aware—it’s not mom who’s angry. It’s their decision that’s the problem. Does that make sense?

Jess: Yeah, sure.

Brandy: So you make it very clear that even when you—instead of ever getting upset—you never get upset. Instead, what you’d want to do is say, “Look, I have to ask you again, you’re going to your room. Okay? Go to your room.” There’s no yelling, there’s no upset. “Go to your—okay, go to your room.” “But mom!” “This was your decision, my dear. I told you, lovely.” And just be so loving and kind. “I told you. This was your decision,” right?

So I’m going to ask you to breathe, and I want you to notice how from this place, the feeling of control is less—the feeling of needing to control—because instead you are giving them the power. You are essentially saying you had some decisions and I told you what those decisions, what direction they went, and you chose a decision that ended you in your room, but that was your decision, right?

So it’s not a control. It’s an empowering way to be. Does that make sense?

Jess: Yeah. Yeah.

Brandy: Then from that, the children learn, of course, to make wise decisions, right?

Jess: Yes.

Brandy: Okay. I do. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And so if you really changed this, could you see how you would not need to have so much anger or control feelings? Can you see that you could reduce and eliminate the anger and control? Can you see that?

Jess: Correct.

Mid-Episode Reflection

Brandy: All right, so let’s go ahead and pause it just for a really quick moment. Notice that feeling shift between feeling control, if you will, and feeling empowerment. And so often I have seen people—and I’ve worked with beautiful mothers, fathers, all types of people—that when they create this shift, it actually gives more empowerment to the children, which is ultimately, of course, what you want.

I mean, imagine children who grow up very aware of their actions, aware of the consequences of their actions, both positive and negative. It’s a beautiful thing, because then they also feel empowered in life instead of controlled in life. And that, while it may seem like a small shift, it’s huge. You know, the difference between growing up and feeling, you know, controlled or feeling like they’re in power. And it’s just a beautiful shift.

And by the way, part of what I love—and I’ll cover more about this at the end—but after this session, she just felt this feeling, she mentioned, “This is everything that I’m wanting for my children.” It was just really, really sweet. And I’ll unpack that a bit more—just the feeling of empowerment—and it just, it was a beautiful unfoldment. So that’s where we’re going as we step back in with our beautiful volunteer, Jess. Here we go.

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Letting Go of Frustration

Brandy: Would you say a little bit or a lot?

Jess: A little bit.

Brandy: Okay. Yeah, because I do, I do all of the above, but—

Jess: I hear you.

Brandy: Once I get to that point, I can feel inside me that I’m really annoyed that it’s had to get to this point.

Jess: Bingo.

Brandy: And that’s what I’m saying, lovely. I’m saying exactly that. I’m saying kind of like this—if I said that children regularly get me to a point where I feel upset and I have to get angry, then I would become aware of that point and then become aware of a strategy so that makes it so I don’t get to that point. Does that make sense?

Jess: Yeah, sure. Yeah. Great.

Brandy: So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Now, by the way, if I were to check into your energy—the level of anger over the past week—if I ask you zero to ten, what level do you think I would find?

Jess: Uh, not a high number.

Brandy: Okay. Bingo. If we called it frustration?

Jess: Yeah, it’s frustration.

Brandy: And if I ask you zero to ten, how high do you think it would be?

Jess: Oh, it was a ten last night.

Brandy: Bingo. Exactly. I love your awareness. Great. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. I’m going to ask you—number one—can you be kind to yourself, please?

Jess: Mm-hmm.

Brandy: Be kind to yourself. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. I’m going to ask you to be very, very, very, very, very kind and loving and supportive to yourself right now. Right? So, I want your mind to feel like this—something like this: “Oh, this is exciting. I could change this. This strategy makes so much sense. I see myself getting frustrated.” And by the way, how often when you get frustrated do you also feel guilty?

Jess: Um, yes.

Brandy: Yeah. Can I get guilty? But I see your effort of trying to be a most wonderful, incredible, explaining, perfect—a wonderful mother. Like, I see your heart is so in the right place and just beautiful.

Jess: Mm.

Brandy: And so it’s just a tweak—a small strategy—that if you can strategize, that can keep you out of the feeling of frustration. Does that make sense?

Jess: Beautiful. It does. That—the ten of the frustration is—so like last night, in the middle of the night, and my middle child is really scared. She doesn’t know what she’s scared of, but she’s scared and I’m getting woken up three, four times a night. And so the frustration is kind of coming from me wanting to look after myself because I know I need the sleep and I’m trying to give her my understanding and love and care—

Brandy: Mm-hmm.

Jess: —but then I’m frustrated with myself because I get frustrated because there’s no easy way out of this.

Brandy: So wait, so you just told me you’re frustrated at yourself for being frustrated?

Jess: Yeah, I do. I think, “Oh, why did I just say that?” Because it’s very hard when you’re so sleep deprived.

Brandy: I get it. I know. I just said that to make you laugh. That was it.

Jess: Yes, yes.

Brandy: Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. So that was kind of my point—was, number one, to not be frustrated at yourself, right?

Jess: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Brandy: Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Give me one second… Bingo. Good, good, good. All right. So I’m going to ask you to breathe.

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Exploring Fear and Environmental Influence

Brandy: And when she wakes up in the middle of the night, does that wake up your husband as well?

Jess: No, I’m the only one that suffers. They all know not to wake up dad.

Brandy: Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Yep. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And if I ask you how often dad watches news, what would you say?

Jess: Oh, never. We don’t watch the news.

Brandy: Okay. So, um… Bingo. If I ask you, how much she hears complaints about the outside world, what would you say?

Jess: Um, how she hears complaints… I… Yeah, I mean, from an educational perspective. Okay, I guess you could say I homeschool my kids, so—

Brandy: Bingo. Thank you. That makes sense. Okay. Okay. So we might learn about, you know, what are all these artificial colors on the food in the supermarket, and let’s research those.

Brandy: Okay. Bingo together. So notice that I said the outside world, right? Okay. So notice they’re being homeschooled in the outside world, so she has a feeling of fear of the outside world.

Brandy: And if I ask you, can you see that in her?

Jess: It’s not a standout thing that I’ve thought about seeing.

Brandy: Okay. So, yeah. If I told you that I take children and then I say, “Look, it’s much better to be homeschooled. It’s a little crazy out there, and it’s much better to be homeschooled,” right?

Jess: Yeah, yeah, sure.

Brandy: Is there any chance that they could get it linked up that the outside world is not safe and homeschooling is safer and better?

Jess: Yeah. Yes. I think so.

Brandy: So number one, what I would do may be—so in other words, this is what’s interesting. So normally if somebody mentions their child in the middle of working on a podcast, we would just keep it focused on them. But in this case, that’s what took me like a pause—is because the universe actually asked me to give you information.

Brandy: And that’s why I said “the outside world” came up—fear of the outside world. Okay. And then that’s why I asked if your husband listened to the news. Because there is this feeling of fear, like terrified, of the outside world. And it feels—and so what I would do is either in her homeschooling, either start teaching the outside world and say, “Oh, and France is so beautiful because of this.” So maybe it’s teaching geography with a passion of loving other countries. Or maybe it is a regular field trip to the park or to the here or to the there—or maybe it’s both.

Brandy: So either way, that fear that’s going on—so in other words, kind of like this: in this situation, if I said to you, “Well, just change your energy,” it wouldn’t be accurate because I still feel her fear is a very real thing. Okay? So just food for thought, whatever you want to do with that. But the outside world—and that’s why it comes up as there’s a sheltered outside world fear. Does that make sense?

Jess: Yeah, I can relay that. I’ve read your book, so I know that that’s a part of—so like seeing all the positives in the outside world to start to reprogram that part.

Brandy: Yeah. And but even make her feel excited and, “Oh my gosh, yes! So the US is beautiful and so is here and France and Italy and yadda yadda…” and just so she feels—yeah. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Okay. And give me one second. Bingo.

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Uncovering Generational Patterns of Frustration

Brandy: Okay, so I’m going to ask you to breathe. And shifting it back to you, okay? Bingo. If I ask you, growing up, how much you had a feeling of frustration, of feeling like you had to do everything—zero to ten—what was your level?

Jess: No… So there’s a feeling—about a level six—a feeling like things were being put upon you.

Brandy: Bingo. Feeling like I need to do things I don’t want to do—like say, my dad?

Jess: Bingo. That was a big ten. Yeah, exactly. Towards your dad.

Brandy: Yes. So it’s like things are being put upon you that you don’t want to do. Right? Frustration. So notice for a moment, your dad’s energy—of things being put upon you that you don’t want to have to do—is still in your life. It’s just now through the feeling of parenting that that same feeling comes in. Does that make sense?

Jess: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Brandy: Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Bingo. And I’m going to ask you to breathe. And if I ask you, what would your life look like and feel like if you didn’t have this feeling of frustration?

Jess: Yeah, it’d be a lot lighter.

Brandy: Great. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Bingo.

Encouraging Independence for Healing

Brandy: Now, if I ask you to notice for a moment, if you really tried, do you think that you could make—and train—your children to become even more independent?

Jess: Yeah.

Brandy: A little bit more independent or a lot more of that feeling of independence?

Jess: A lot more.

Brandy: What’s that?

Jess: A lot more. A lot more.

Brandy: Okay. So I’m going to reflect this. I’m going to reflect this to you, okay? So if I said, “I have a feeling of feeling like everything’s being put on me and I’m frustrated. And by the way, with my children, I feel like everything’s always being put on me, but I haven’t really trained them to be independent in the way that I could…”

Does that make sense?

Jess: Um, yeah.

Brandy: So it’s kind of like this. All of the time, I’ll see people who will do something like this, where they feel like they get love and attention for being a caregiver and doing things for others and doing…

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Empowerment Through Releasing Old Patterns

Brandy: So what will happen is they’ll start doing things for everybody and then start resenting the fact that they’re doing everything. But then they haven’t trained people around them to be empowered and independent. So they end up in a loop where they feel drained, tired, overwhelmed, frustrated—and they’re not feeling the love they really want because people have grown dependent on them.

Jess: Yeah, I can see that.

Brandy: So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And I’m going to ask you, are you willing to start training them in a way that they feel empowered, and you feel loved and supported and appreciated, and not like everything’s on you?

Jess: Yes.

Brandy: Great. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And I want you to picture what that looks like—your life. Where you’re not frustrated, where you’re not feeling like everything is on you, and instead you feel loved, appreciated, and empowered, and so do your children.

Jess: That feels really good.

Brandy: Great. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And I want you to see it. I want you to really bring that into your energy. Bring that into your body and into your heart.

And if I ask you, how does that feel to you—what’s the feeling?

Jess: It’s beautiful. I feel happy. I feel lighter.

Brandy: Beautiful. I love that. I love that. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And I want you to lock in that feeling. Imagine making that real. Imagine shifting that dynamic and letting go of this old energy of resentment and overwhelm and control and frustration. Let it go.

And bring in that feeling of love and empowerment and harmony and flow.

Jess: That feels so different. So much better.

Brandy: Beautiful. That’s what I want for you. I want that lightness and love to be in your everyday experience. And it starts with you choosing it and training your environment, starting with the kids, in a new way.

Jess: I will do that. Thank you.

Brandy: Beautiful. You’re so welcome. And you are absolutely amazing. I just love your heart and your willingness and the love that you have for your family. It really shows. It’s truly beautiful.

Jess: Thank you so much.

Brandy: You are so welcome, and it has been such a pleasure to connect with you.

… And to all of you listening, I just love that you’re here. I love that you are somebody who is looking to transform and heal and grow. And as always, I want to remind you to hit the share button on this episode—you know, share it with somebody you love, somebody you care about, or somebody you don’t even know that could use a bit of uplifting or inspiration in their life.

Because the more empowered, conscious, happy, healthy, and loving that every single person is in our world, the better this world is for all of us. And so please do hit the share button, and please do make a point to have a most wonderful, incredible rest of your day. And I look forward to connecting with you on the next episode. I’ll see you there.