Welcome to Heal Yourself, Change Your Life. My name is Brandi Gillmore. And after recovering from my own life changing injury, it’s become my mission to share with others the same discoveries I made that changed my health and my entire life. Our minds are truly incredible. The placebo is proof of this.
Each week, I will take this simple awareness to a whole new level. I will even coach live callers to free themselves of physical pain using only their mind. And then I’ll provide you with a combination of practical and spiritual insights that you can use to master your mind, your emotions, and your energy to help you heal your health, yourself, and your life.
Let’s begin.
Hello and welcome. It is so wonderful to connect with you. Welcome to this week’s quick Q&A where we talk about insights and questions. And on today’s episode, we have a really great question regarding relationships and really transforming the relationship that you’re in—or even just relationships around you.
Whether it’s romantic relationships or family relationships, this is something that you can apply to any relationship in your life. And so with that said, let me go ahead and grab the question and the email. Here we go.
Understanding Relationship Patterns and Emotional Triggers
Today’s email reads: “Hi Brandy and team. I am wondering if I can submit a question for the IQ episode. I heard Brandy speak on an interview about relationships recently, and it was eye-opening. After hearing her talk, I now see that I have patterns with my husband that I didn’t realize were there. I am sure there are more patterns in relationships that I’m not seeing, but my question is about whether to leave the relationship or not.”
She continues: “On the interview, Brandy mentioned that when you change your energy, either your relationship changes or other times you attract a different relationship. I am wondering if there is a way to know which one is best. My husband is a nice guy in general, but many times it feels as though he is critical of me, and I feel very triggered by it. He is also very negative at times and doesn’t seem to want to change it. Anytime I try to talk to him about it, he just shuts down and says he doesn’t want to talk now. I’m not sure what to do—if I should stay with him…”
And then her message goes into more detail, but we’re going to pause here because this is the core of her question. It keeps coming back to: “Should I stay? Should I leave? How do I know if he’s going to change or if I need to find someone else?”
The Problem With “Should I Stay or Go?”
First and foremost, I want to speak to exactly that. Each situation is different, and I would never typically give somebody advice on whether to stay or leave a relationship—unless, of course, the relationship is physically harmful or abusive or dangerous in any way. Then yes, leave immediately and contact the proper authorities.
As far as giving general advice, there’s a major problem with simply telling someone to stay or go. And it’s this: when it comes to dating, relationships, and even family relationships, they are very much the result of patterns.
You’ve likely even seen this in your own life or in others’ lives. There’s the unfortunate stereotype—someone with an abusive parent who then attracts an abusive partner, boss, spouse, etc. Of course, that’s not always the case, but it illustrates something important:
Patterns show up in relationships, and they show up subconsciously.
And this woman who wrote in clearly sees that. She mentioned that she knows there are patterns she isn’t seeing yet, which is very insightful.
Now, the reason this matters is because if I were to simply say, “Stay,” or “Leave,” that advice wouldn’t help her in the long run. Because even if she left and found someone new, the patterns would follow her until she truly transforms them.
And this is the very reason why…
Why Transforming Your Internal Patterns Comes First
When you transform your own emotional patterns, one of two things happens:
1. Your current relationship improves dramatically
Suddenly communication opens up. Resentment dissolves. Criticism stops. Connection grows.
2. Or the relationship dissolves naturally, and you attract a far healthier partner aligned with your new energy
I see this all the time.
But the key is: shift the internal patterns first. Otherwise nothing really changes—not in this relationship, and not in the next.
Now, even in her letter, she mentioned that she feels “very triggered” by him at times. And I have absolute compassion for her. But when someone is triggered, that means there is an emotional wound or pattern already present beneath the surface.
Think of it this way: if someone touches your arm, you don’t feel pain. But if there’s a bruise there, suddenly it hurts. The bruise is the trigger.
Triggers reveal what needs to be healed inside.
And patterns—especially unhealed emotional patterns—tend to attract more of the same. This is why the same dynamic or hurt keeps showing up again and again.
Let’s break down a few examples, because this is where so many people get stuck without even realizing it.
How Couples Unconsciously Trigger Each Other
One of the most common patterns I see is when both people have wounds that unintentionally activate each other. For example, there was a man who always felt criticized in his relationship. That was his core emotional wound. His wife, on the other hand, had a deep trigger around rejection and abandonment.
Here’s how their dynamic played out:
• His trigger: feeling criticized
He was extremely sensitive to any comment that sounded even slightly corrective. Even if she simply said, “Hey, could you do this?” he internalized it as criticism. His reaction was to shut down, go quiet, and withdraw.
• Her trigger: fear of rejection or abandonment
When he withdrew, it immediately triggered her wound. She felt like he was pulling away emotionally, leaving her, rejecting her.
And what did she do in response? She became more emotional and began pointing out things he did wrong—trying to reconnect, but in a way that triggered him even more.
And suddenly, without either of them intending it…
They ended up triggering each other’s deepest wounds over and over again.
And again, neither of them meant to do this. They weren’t trying to hurt each other. It was simply their subconscious patterns interacting.
Now, here’s the beautiful part:
When even one person clears their trigger, the entire dynamic changes.
Communication opens up. Understanding flows. And the relationship—sometimes very quickly—begins to feel safe again.
When Your Partner’s Behavior Is “Real” vs. Pattern-Based
Now, there’s another scenario that also shows up often. For example, let’s say the partner really is critical. The criticism is not imagined. It’s not a misunderstanding. It’s a behavior pattern on his side.
In those cases, several outcomes are possible:
1. He is genuinely a critical person
Some people are simply wired that way and are not willing to change. If that’s the case, the relationship may not be healthy long-term.
2. He is critical, but only in certain relationships
This is surprisingly common. Many people treat different people in their lives with different levels of respect. For example, someone might be incredibly respectful toward coworkers but dismissive toward a sibling or partner.
In this case, once you heal the internal pattern that attracted or tolerated the criticism, the dynamic can shift dramatically. I’ve seen people go from feeling unappreciated to suddenly being respected—without asking their partner to change at all.
3. Once you heal, you simply stop taking the criticism personally
This creates relief and ease. Sometimes the criticism loses all emotional weight. It no longer “lands,” and the relationship begins to feel calm again—even if the partner hasn’t changed.
Or…
4. You heal the pattern and realize the relationship is not aligned with who you’ve become
And in those cases, leaving no longer feels dramatic or stressful. It simply feels complete.
Why You Shouldn’t Try to Change Your Partner
Something else you’ll want to be mindful of: if you’re constantly trying to change your partner, that’s a sign in itself.
I see this all the time—people trying for years to change someone who doesn’t want to change. And what happens? Pain. Frustration. And resentment.
If your partner does not want to grow or improve the dynamic between you, that’s important information.
In those cases, you have two choices:
- Accept them exactly as they are — and see if you can genuinely be happy with that
- Or release the relationship because the core needs aren’t compatible
But staying while expecting them to be someone different only creates more hurt.
How to Find Clarity: Start With Your Trigger
The biggest takeaway I want you to have is this:
Clear the emotional trigger first. Always.
This is essential whether you stay or go, because:
- Your trigger is what creates the confusion.
- Your trigger is what makes everything feel larger than life.
- Your trigger is what keeps you from seeing your partner clearly.
- Your trigger is what repeats the same patterns in the next relationship.
When you let go of the emotional wound underneath the trigger, several things happen:
- Your intuition becomes clear.
- Your internal compass aligns again.
- You see the relationship as it truly is—not through the lens of hurt.
- You begin attracting new dynamics from a new place of inner alignment.
Only then can you accurately evaluate whether your partner is capable of healthy connection—or not.
Because without emotional clarity, every reaction feels bigger than it is. And every conflict feels personal.
With clarity, everything becomes easier.
Now let’s explore the “communication” dynamic she mentioned in her letter…
When They Say “I Don’t Want to Talk Right Now”
In her question, she said:
“Anytime I try to talk to him about it, he shuts down and says he doesn’t want to talk now.”
This can mean several things, and it’s important to distinguish them:
1. It might be an actual pattern of avoidance
Some people do not communicate—ever. They shut down, withdraw emotionally, and refuse connection. If someone is permanently unavailable, that is a red flag.
2. OR it might be a timing issue
If she subconsciously believes “He never wants to talk,” she may only bring it up at times when he is stressed, distracted, or overwhelmed—unconsciously proving her belief true.
In that case, timing is everything. And her belief may be playing a role.
3. OR communication may be his biggest wound
Some people grew up in homes where talking about problems led to conflict, yelling, rejection, or danger. In those cases, “I don’t want to talk right now” actually means:
“Conversations scare me. I don’t know how to do this safely.”
Which is again a pattern—not a personality flaw.
You Cannot Have a Healthy Relationship Without Communication
Regardless of the cause, one thing is universal:
If two people cannot talk honestly and safely, the relationship cannot deepen.
Communication is to relationships what oxygen is to life. Without it, things deteriorate.
So you want to look honestly at this:
- Does he shut down because of his own wounds?
- Does he shut down because the timing is bad?
- Does he shut down because he truly does not want to relate?
Each answer points to a different path forward.
Why Clearing Your Patterns Comes First
What I want you to take from this is:
You don’t need to decide whether to stay or leave yet.
That is not step one.
Step one is clearing the emotional patterns that are shaping the relationship dynamic.
Because once you do:
- You will become emotionally clear.
- You will attract healthier treatment.
- You will have better communication.
- You will know—deeply—whether you should stay or leave.
And it won’t come from fear.
It will come from alignment.
Relationships Improve or Complete Themselves When You Heal
This is the part I want you to really feel in your heart:
When you heal your triggers, one of two things happens:
- Your current relationship transforms — often in beautiful and surprising ways.
- Or the relationship naturally dissolves, and you attract someone who matches your new level of alignment.
And both outcomes are good outcomes.
Because both lead you to a healthier, happier life.
The Bigger Vision
Imagine if everyone in the world healed their emotional wounds—the triggers, insecurities, fears, attachment patterns.
Imagine more people relating with:
- LOVE
- kindness
- communication
- safety
- warmth
- respect
It would transform communities… families… relationships… and ultimately the world.
Thank you for joining me in that vision.
Final Thoughts
If you take only one thing from this episode, let it be this:
Your triggers are not the truth.
They are old wounds waiting to be healed.
And once healed, the love you experience—in every relationship—changes profoundly.
If you or someone you know could benefit from these insights, please share this with them. The more we step into emotional clarity and conscious relationships, the more beautiful our world becomes.
