IQ: Why Setting Boundaries Can Feel Hard — And 3 Keys to Creating Respect and Successful Boundaries (IQ. 241)

Brandy Gillmore
[00:00:00] Welcome to Heal Yourself, change Your Life. My name is Brandy Gillmore, and after recovering from my own life changing injury, it’s become my mission to share with others the same discoveries I made that changed my health and my entire life. Our minds are truly incredible. The placebo is proof of this.

Each week I will take this simple awareness to a whole new level. I’ll even coach live callers to free themselves of physical pain using only their mind, and then I’ll provide you with a combination of practical and spiritual insights that you can use. To master your mind, your emotions, and your energy to help you heal your health yourself and your life.

Let’s begin.[00:01:00]

Hello and happy beautiful day to you. On today’s quick IQ episode, I want to answer a question that has come in regarding the topic of boundaries and setting boundaries and why it can feel so hard or why a lot of people may struggle with it, or some things that you can do to just kindly wonderfully set successful boundaries.

And so that’s where we’re going on today’s episode. Now, a few things. That we wanna think about, just kind of right up front. When you think about boundaries for a moment, if you think about two countries that are bordering countries, like let’s think about Portugal and Spain, who have a very, very harmonious border.

And so when you think about the border. It’s, they don’t feel like they need to defend it all the time. It’s [00:02:00] not feeling like it needs to be protected or defensive. Instead, it’s really harmonious, and that’s the way you’ll want to really think about boundaries, that your ultimate goal is to create that just mutual respect and understanding that maybe.

Two countries have two different rules, like what is the speed limit in one? What is the drinking age in another, or whatever that is, different licenses, different laws, and yet. They can respect each other’s harmoniously without an issue. And that’s the way that I want to invite you to think about that because one thing that comes up a lot is that people will think about boundaries and they feel like they’ve gotta set a boundary and they’ve gotta defend it.

And, and, and what happens is that ultimately they’re creating boundaries from that place, from a place of frustration, from a place of hurt, of upset, of feeling violated, of whatever that is. And so that’s the energy around [00:03:00] it. Instead of just saying, what would a harmonious border, what would a harmonious boundary look like?

And so that’s one insight that I want to share with you is exactly that, is when you think about that. Think about what does it look like if we’re just, it’s, if it’s just mutual respect, if there’s boundaries and they’re just being respected, because of course if you’re here, you know your thoughts help create your life, right?

And so if you are picturing I have to set up boundaries, and that’s what you’re picturing and that’s what you’re feeling, then a lot of times that’s how they keep feeling is not a harmonious border harmonious boundary. But instead. A very conflicted one because that’s the energy that it keeps coming from.

So that’s one insight. Now, another insight is this, is that so often when people want to communicate their boundaries or their borders or whatnot, they do so from a place of frustration. So they’re like, oh, don’t do this anymore, or, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s a [00:04:00] feeling of frustration instead of really getting clear.

About what it is they want and clearly communicating that because let’s be honest, we’re all different. And, and so we all necessarily, we all have different boundaries or different borders of what we want. And so a kind way to, to say something is, Hey, by the way, hey, can you not do that anymore? Or something like that.

But doing so, you know, in you could say, Hey, could you not do that anymore? Instead, if you need something, can you just let me know ahead of time? Or can you make sure to tell me a day or two in advance just so I have time to, to really get it together and, and take care or something like that to where you’re communicating both maybe what not to do, but also what to do from now on.

So people might say something, an example, somebody might say, don’t tell me things last minute. It’s stressful. Instead they could say, Hey, the last minute things are a bit stressful from now on. Could you make a [00:05:00] point? If you could gimme like a day or two in advance, that would be really helpful. That that’s what I really need.

So it’s communicating the new way of being the boundaries, but doing it also in a nice way. So there’s communication around it. Clear communication of what not to do and also what to do, and also not in a rude or combative or frustrated way, because if you’re doing so from a place of frustration. Then a lot of times it just perpetuates the problem, energetically perpetuates it, but also it’s not clearly communicated because if you’re frustrated at somebody, then a lot of times they might do what?

They might be defensive, well, I only could do that, or I only, so it doesn’t come out as clear communication. It can come out as defensiveness. It can come out as hurt feelings, and it doesn’t really establish a new ongoing border or boundary. And so that’s another insight and also [00:06:00] consistency is as well.

And so, so often people will feel a sense of frustration because. They’re not really communicated. They, they feel like their boundaries aren’t being listened to, but they’re not really consistent with it. And so if I use the same example earlier of, you know, of time that can be won, but either whatever it is, just if somebody’s doing something and being consistent and saying, Hey, by the way, can, can we remember?

You know, so, so it’s like the feeling of gently reminding them, but being consistent, Hey, from now on. I thought we were gonna do this from now on. So being consistent and communicating it consistently, not just when you’re frustrated. That is a huge thing. And so part of the reason this is coming up is because so often during the holidays is people will feel a sense of.

Feeling like their boundaries are being violated, but they’re also not communicating them. So then they end up feeling stretched or overwhelmed [00:07:00] or like things are unfair or that nobody’s listening, et cetera. And so really looking at what do you need and how can you kindly communicate that and, and doing so in a way that’s really helpful because sometimes what can also happen is a person, as soon as they get reactive.

They get less respect instead of more respect. And so maybe if you are doing that in your life where you’re feeling really reactive, making sure you’re not going into the reactive state, but instead communicating clearly, kindly, and, and doing so to the best of your ability, like in a really kind, clear manner, it goes a long way.

Now the other insight is of course. Going on the inside because we talked about some of the practical things to do, but so often those inner emotions and the inner patterns can perpetuate the problem as well. And so I would invite you to look at if you have [00:08:00] a pattern inside that is also creating more problems.

For example, I’ve worked with people who felt disrespected and maybe growing up they had a pattern that said Nobody ever listens to me. And so that pattern is perpetuated. Or for example, people will have a pattern of feeling like, I’m not good enough, or, you know, everybody else is better than me, or they feel inferior.

And so from those places. They’re also not feeling the level of respect that they would want either. And so if that’s something that you’ve been, um, challenged with, then I invite you to look at this in your own life. And if you ask, can this affect your health? Absolutely. I, I see it all the time where people feel frustrated, where people feel upset.

In fact. If you think about the last episode that I just did, uh, with our beautiful volunteer, Tracy, those very patterns where there’s also a feeling of wanting to set a boundary, um, you know, and put your foot down and, and those patterns can [00:09:00] come up, and of course they can hurt. Then a person can feel unloved or uncared about, or nobody cares, or it’s, it’s a spiral because inside that’s exactly what happens.

People will say, oh, but nobody cares. Nobody listens to me. Nobody respects me. Nobody loves me. And it can feel hurt. And so both for your happiness, your health, your life, your healing, your relationships, I’d invite you if this has been a problem, to really look at that. And of course, going back to that first insight, which is thinking about boundaries and thinking about it from a harmonious place, because I can’t tell you how often people have gone through.

All kinds of processes, and they set boundaries. They go, I need to set boundaries, but it comes from a negative energy, and that’s what it then looks like in their lives. I’ve seen people who set boundaries 20 years ago in their lives, and they have been very painful, ongoing challenged borders, [00:10:00] challenged boundaries that they feel like they have to constantly reinforce because that was also the energy that it was created from.

And so really starting with that foundational step of saying, what would it look like to have harmonious boundaries? Harmonious borders of just mutual respect, which also means with mutual respect, giving it and receiving it as well. And so both ways are true. And from that place they go so much further.

I can tell you I’ve worked with people who had. Issues with boundaries and, and, and not feeling heard, and not feeling respected, and when they just really clearly communicated what they wanted and did so from a place of kindness and even a bit of humor or banter or playfulness, but just a flow and a, and a communication, just a really kind communication that it worked so well.

And so it, it’s so, it may seem so small, but if you [00:11:00] think about it for a moment, if somebody tells you, Hey, do this, compared to, Hey, from now on, would you be able to do this? Like, it’s just such a different energy. And we as human beings, you know, if somebody asks us to do something in a nice way, it it comes, it, it’s so much easier to want to do.

But so often when people have boundaries, they they, and they want to communicate it. They’re doing it from a place of hurt or frustration or upset or overwhelm or whatever it is that it can inadvertently feel attacking to the other person or condescending or defensive or whatever it is, and so it just doesn’t go well.

On each side. And so just food for thought, uh, just because this question keeps coming in. And so I just wanted to really answer that. And of course, if you have any other questions that you’d like me to answer on these IQ episodes, definitely send them in. And uh, and on that note, I wish you and your families a wonderful, wonderful day.

And please do as always, you know, please [00:12:00] do take just a quick moment to hit the share button on this. You know, share with somebody you love, somebody you care about, or somebody you don’t even know. Because the more that every single person feels healthy and happy and loved and loving, the better this world is for all of us.

And also on that note, if you are somebody who is new or who would like a deeper understanding of how mind body healing works, there’s also a link for a free training in the show notes. And so you can come. Click on that and and explore even more about how mind-body healing works. So that said, it has been such a pleasure connecting with you and I look forward to connecting with you on the next episode.

We’ll see you there.

Thank you for listening to Heal Yourself, change Your Life. All of the time people reach out and say how much these episodes have given them hope or touched their heart, or helped [00:13:00] them stay positive in hard times, or even woken them up to a completely new level of awareness. Of how amazing we all really are.

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And I do wanna be clear [00:14:00] though, that most people will not get results this fast on their own. I make it look very easy because of the discoveries that I made. You wanna remember that there’s so much more going on in our minds at a deeper level than people realize. That said, if you wanna send me any questions or comments, come visit me on my website at brandygillmore.com/ podcast.

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Thank you.