301: Is Holding on to ‘It’s Not Fair’ Keeping You Stuck in Pain? What Happens When You Finally Let Go?

Welcome to Heal Yourself, Change Your Life. My name is Brandy Gillmore, and after recovering from my own life-changing injury, it’s become my mission to share with others the same discoveries I made that changed my health and my entire life. Our minds are truly incredible. The placebo is proof of this.

Each week I will take this simple awareness to a whole new level. I’ll even coach live callers to free themselves of physical pain using only their mind, and then I’ll provide you with a combination of practical and spiritual insights that you can use to master your mind, your emotions, and your energy to help you heal your health, yourself, and your life.

Let’s begin.

Hello and welcome. It is so wonderful to connect with you. I just love that you are here continuing to expand your mind, your energy, your consciousness, your healing. I just love it. And there are so many things that I just love about today’s episode. Of course, our volunteer—you are absolutely going to love her.

She’s fun. She’s funny. She just has a really great sense of humor and sweetness, and also there are some really profound insights. You know, one of the insights is just that—the awareness that she’s had some very physical injuries. And one of the things that has happened is she even had a surgery that created problems in her body, and we’ll talk more about those.

But point being is that she has some very physical issues going on, and yet she’s been able to witness and see how the mind can even make a radical change. And of course, it’s not just her. I see that all of the time. But what I love is just the awareness of that because I know for me personally, when I was going through my own injury and I had an accident, in my mind I kept saying, you know, how is it even possible that I’m gonna heal my physical body?

I had a physical accident with physical injuries, and how is my mind gonna actually change that? And that’s what I love. It’s just—the mind-body connection is so incredible. You know, when you stop and think about it, of course our physical bodies are constantly repairing and replacing themselves. I mean, even research estimates we have a new skeleton approximately every 10 years. And that was one of the things that really made me start thinking.

I had been injured for so many years and I thought to myself: you know, why is illness continuing to repeat in the body? And it just made me question everything from so many different angles. You know, how is it possible for somebody to have that quote, “old football injury,” or whatnot—old soccer or baseball or softball injury from high school 30, 40 years ago?

The body’s constantly repairing and replacing cells and even, even the bones are replacing. And so that, it just made me start really looking at things in a new way. And of course, you hear me say all of the time, even the awareness that people with multiple personality disorder…

Hello. Hello.

Hi. Hi. Good to see you.

I’m so thankful and so grateful for your time. I’m so excited. A bit nervous, but yeah, very, very thankful.

Absolutely. Your book was a revelation for me and already got me so far, and to be able to speak with you in person now is really wonderful. So thank you so much.

I love that so much. I love that so much. And it is so wonderful to connect with you. Beautiful. And what can I help you with today?

So, I had an operation and ever since, I have a neurogenic bladder and bowel dysfunction. So my bladder doesn’t empty by itself, and also my bowels. So I need to help with that. I have a lot of feeling of shame around it. And I also have issues with antibiotics because I have so many bladder infections due to it. I can’t take the antibiotics because I have lingering chronic symptoms from Lyme disease. And so it’s all a big pile of stuff. But the bladder is the biggest concern for me. So if I could get that straightened or deal with it or…

Yes. Okay. And I already realized when I’m emotionally less stable that it gets worse. So I already figured out there’s a big connection, because I got so much better after I did your book. And now I had a little dip and my bladder instantly responds. So it’s already crazy how it’s connected even though it’s supposedly neurogenic and biological—physical. So it’s very interesting, and maybe you have the pattern that I can’t find that draws me back.

Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. I love your awareness. I love it. Just absolutely beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Let me just check in really quickly. Bingo. Trying to figure who it’s towards.

Understanding Suppressed Emotions and Physical Impact

Okay. So there’s a feeling—there’s a feeling of getting really angry. Are you familiar with that feeling of getting angry and then holding it in?

Oh yeah. Yeah. In the recent two years I started to get angry and actually let it get out. But yeah, it was stuck for a very long time. And it’s still… I try to understand everybody, and so I always explain where the other person comes from. So I seem to not let myself get angry. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, I understand why people act the way they do, so I’m like, okay, I’m sad. But I understand, so why would I be angry at them?

Okay. Give me one second. So, bingo. Okay. And notice how in the process, you’re kind of stuffing down your emotions. Can you see that?

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Okay. And so, bingo. And then notice what you said—in the past few years you’ve been expressing more of your upset and anger, etc. You can see that, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Because my distress got so big, so it just—it had to. Like, I couldn’t hold it back anymore because I wasn’t regulated like I used to be anymore through the physical.

Okay, so I’m going to ask you to breathe. Give me one second. Bingo. So what I want you to notice is… I want you to notice that in the past, you would get angry or upset and hurt, and you would stuff it down. And so you would kind of stuff it. And then now, it just comes out, right?

Mm-hmm. Now it’s coming out more.

But I want you to notice what it would look like if you weren’t angry at all.

Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Bingo. Now, if I ask you to notice the part of you also—bingo—that has a tendency to want to vent about something. If I ask you, zero to ten, how much you can find that feeling of wanting to vent about so-and-so, about this, that, or the other, what would you say?

Mmm. Yeah. Certain things. Yeah. Certain things that upset me. Yeah. That are unfair or where kids aren’t treated well or… Yeah.

Okay.

Where I feel like things are not fair. Yeah. Like my brother passed away and there was a lot of unfairness around there, and so…

Bingo.

Sometimes I feel like I have to scream it out into the world, like for it to change and be more love. Yeah. But… yeah, I guess I do get sometimes… yeah, I keep talking about the bad thing. I’ve been trying to do that less and think about what I can do about it. But yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I see that. Yeah.

Okay. So if I told you that I’m upset about something and I want to scream it out into the world—mm-hmm—is that a positive feeling or a negative feeling?

I don’t know. It’s better than holding it in.

Okay. But what if I didn’t even feel that way?

Yeah. That would be great.

Bingo. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe.

Releasing the Energy of Unfairness

And I want you to notice all of the energy you have around things being not fair.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And if I ask you how long you’ve had that pattern for, what would you say?

Hmm. Probably like… I think it’s around when my brother passed, so 10 years, 12 years maybe.

Okay. I don’t know if it was before that. I don’t know.

Okay. So if you asked me to check in on that pattern, I would say—age eight.

Okay.

And if I ask you how much, growing up, you heard that life was not fair, what would you say?

I don’t think I heard it, but I experienced a lot. Yeah, a lot. And that made me feel that way. Yeah.

Okay. And why did you feel that way?

Well, because of teachers treating kids badly, and they’re like seven years, eight years old, or being mocked—like kids mocking other kids for just looks. My brother experienced that. I—yeah, just a lot of things. Yeah.

Okay. But I don’t think anyone told me specifically. I don’t know.

Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Mm-hmm. Exactly that. So I want you to notice—bingo. If I ask you how much you felt like your second-grade teacher was unfair, zero to ten, what would you say?

I’m at start… and third grade I had a teacher. Ten? Yes. Fourth grade? Yeah. Ten, twenty. I don’t know. Yes.

Bingo. Okay. Mm-hmm. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. So I want you to notice the part of you who felt like it was unfair and felt like you had to endure it and you couldn’t speak up about it but then wanted to yell it out because you were feeling triggered, but then you couldn’t.

Now, looking back, if I ask you why was your third-grade teacher so unfair?

Uh… I just think he wasn’t made for that job. He was probably overwhelmed with it—at that age of kids. Maybe he had his own issues. Probably. Yeah.

Okay. But notice how much you felt—very intensely—like it was unfair.

Yeah.

Okay. Are you sure that that was accurate?

He was beating kids, right? Mean? Was he beating kids?

No, but he was shaming them in front of the other kids. Like, if you had… like people tried not to be in that class and a lot of kids got stomach aches because of him.

Okay. So he didn’t physically do anything, but yeah. Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Bingo.

Identifying Shame and Early Emotional Triggers

Now, by the way, if I ask you to notice the part of you who has shame—mm-hmm—right now, if I ask you zero to ten, what’s your level?

Ten.

If I ask you, when did that pattern start?

Um… probably like eleven, I would say.

Okay. So I would have said age five, even.

Oh wow.

Okay. So—I’m going to ask you to breathe. Mm-hmm. And give me one second. And I want you to notice also how much you felt made fun of at a young age. If I ask you how much you felt that, zero to ten, what would you say?

Ten.

Mm-hmm.

So this is the thing. So that teacher in third grade was triggering you. And the reason you didn’t like him feeling like he was shaming others is because it made you feel triggered inside. Ah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. That’s why it was so intense. Mm-hmm. Bingo. That’s why it was so intense—is because you felt like, “Oh my gosh, if he shames me, it’s gonna trigger me. I’m embarrassed. I’m going to be made fun of.” So you were on eggshells. Can you see that? Intense and unfair and what is—and triggered constantly. Can you see that?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah.

So I’m going to ask you to breathe.

Turning a Wake-Up Call into a Gift

And if I ask you to notice in your current situation—you had a surgery that created this mistake, correct?

Yes.

If I ask you how much you feel like this is unfair, and they put you in this embarrassing situation with your bladder and whatnot and all of these things—if I ask you to notice the anger, the unfair, the outrage, zero to ten, how much can you find it?

Yeah, that is completely suppressed still.

Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe.

I feel like it’s… yeah, more like the shame is bigger than the anger. Like, I can’t get to the anger in that specific situation yet.

Okay. But the unfair—yeah?

Yeah. If you ask it like this, I must say ten. Yeah, probably.

Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe.

So notice—it’s the feeling of unfair and shame and humiliated type of embarrassment type of feeling. Can you see that?

Yes.

Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Bingo.

And I’m going to first and foremost say I love your self-awareness. I love the awareness. Now notice for a moment—bingo—notice for a moment that I even talk about in my book where I had the trigger from 9/11 happen.

Yeah.

Okay. So I had that trigger happen, but the pattern had actually started way back in my childhood. I didn’t realize it though, until I started exploring. Right?

So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Bingo.

So what happens if you start feeling like life is fair? What happens if you start getting rid of the outrage, the unfair, because kind of like this—if you think about it for a moment, patterns breed more of the same, right?

So it’s kind of like this—yes, I’m going to use a horrible example, but here we go. So the woman with the abusive father who leaves him and finds the abusive boyfriend, boss, spouse, etc.—right? That’s documented in research that that can happen, and we can look at it as repetition compulsion, reenactments, attachment theory, call it law of attraction—whatever you want to call it. Patterns bring more of the same, right?

Yeah.

Now I have a question. Is that fair?

I don’t know. Is it fair?

This is the answer—yes and no. And yes and no. And yes and no. No, no, no. And yes and no. But it’s not. But if you add in the feeling of “It’s not fair, it’s not fair,” you just compile what?

Yeah, more patterns on top.

Exactly. So yes, we’ll call it—technical term—it sucks. It’s not… it’s not great. And I have compassion for that situation. But we can have compassion—we could say, “Oh, it’s unfair,” we could get upset, we could fight it, we could be pissed and hurt and angry and upset. Or we could get wisdom.

And we could get the wisdom and the understanding that our patterns do breed more of the same. And instead of feeling like “It’s unfair, it’s not right, it’s this, it’s that, it’s this, it’s that,” we could step into wisdom and say, “You know what, that’s how energy works. That’s how patterns work.”

This is how repetition compulsion, reenactments, attachment theory, law of attraction—whatever you want to call it—this is how energy works.

And what’s amazing though, is we could sit—like my situation, was it fair? Yes and no and yes and no and yes and no. And it sucked. But if I just took it and became aware—which I did—and then changed my whole life? Amazing.

So if we just take, so to speak, to the cliché of taking lemons and making lemonade—okay? Yeah. Or turning it into a gift. That’s why everything is the gift.

Yes. Turn it into a life-changing gift. Like—and so it’s like we have situations that come up that’ll be a wake-up call that says, “Hey, it’s time to change your life.”

Now imagine for a moment if you lived the next 50 years of your life feeling like life is unfair—mm-hmm—and full of shame. Now by the way, how many times have you felt the embarrassing shame in your life?

Honestly, a lot.

A lot?

Yeah. Like a little bit. A lot. Multiple situations.

Yeah. Multiple situations. A lot. A lot. A lot. A lot. A lot. A lot?

Yeah. Yeah.

Now imagine you just keep feeling that for the rest of your life. Or—imagine this is a wake-up call to turn it into a gift, and you go, “You know what, yes, this moment is not great and all of this stuff, but let me wake up and change this now.”

The great thing is, like you already said, you can see your emotional patterns—when you change, your physical changes. Even though you quote-unquote had surgery that screwed it all. That’s the thing. I see people all the time have a physical issue. I had a physical injury—

Yes. Yes. And yet—it’s amazing.

Yeah, it’s amazing.

I would have never believed that. I mean, I studied psychology, and I thought I knew so much. But this just taught me way more already. But yeah, I didn’t connect the shameful—like, I knew about the teacher and everything, but yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So, so I can just like decide that life is fair? Like, I don’t even have to know specifically what the starting point was, or…

Well, this is the thing, right? A decision—where I want to see it. Well, yes. So this is the thing—if I want to speak German, the best way to do that is to…

I’m German.

Yeah, I—I felt that. So if I want to speak German, the best way to do that is to start getting rid of English, right?

No.

What’s the best way to do that?

Yeah, to start getting it in. I can just learn it. Yeah.

Okay. So the best way to start having a new pattern is to do what?

Start getting it in. Do it. Yeah.

To start getting it in. So then you start re-patterning your mind with a new pattern. Oh wait—life is fair. When you start to look at the patterns, you start to realize, well, it’s all kind of math. If you say one plus one equals two—is that fair? Was it fair or not fair? It’s math.

Yeah. That’s a good example. Yeah.

Four plus four equals eight. Is that fair?

Mm-hmm.

It’s math. Energy pattern creates more instances of the same. Same, same, same pattern. Is it fair? It’s not fair or not fair. It’s math. It’s energy. It’s just the way it is.

Yeah. Exactly right. It’s the way it is. Okay?

Mm-hmm.

So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And I love your awareness. Fantastic job. Beautiful. Fantastic. So I’m going to ask you to breathe, and if I ask you to notice two things that have felt fair in life, what would you say those were?

I practice a lot of art, and now I’m good at it.

Oh, that sounds fair and wonderful and great.

Yeah. I was kind to people and now they appreciate me for it.

Ah, that’s—

And say I can help them.

So notice—and that’s wonderful.

Yeah.

So notice there are some great things in life, right?

Yeah.

But now you keep saying “It’s unfair, it’s unfair, it’s unfair.” Now if everybody’s thoughts help create their lives—right—that kind of sounds equal to me. Doesn’t it, to you?

Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Now, it wouldn’t be fair if I said, “Hey, my thoughts help create my life—but yours don’t.”

Yeah. Yeah. Great.

So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And could you see, by the way, if somebody is outraged at a level 20 by their third-grade teacher, that some negative energy could come from that?

Yes. Totally. Yeah.

Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Go ahead and keep being outraged by all the things that you want to scream about—what isn’t fair about the way people are treated. Go for it. Go ahead.

Yeah. I don’t want to anymore.

Very wise of you. Very, very wise. I like the wisdom. Beautiful.

Repatterning and Channel Switching

And that’s exactly it. When we start to have that wisdom and we realize these things—it’s pivotal. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Bingo.

And I feel your mind is like flooding with aha moments. You feel that, right?

Yeah. It’s like a new way of thinking and seeing the world. It’s like—I’m used to saying “You’re good, people deserve good things,” or like, you know—I always learned to be kind and I always was very giving and didn’t think much about myself. I thought like, good people deserve good things. Why—why just do bad things happen to good people? Like my brother, for example. Right?

And now seeing it that way, it’s like a whole, whole different worldview. It’s—it makes so much sense, but it’s so different than what I thought it was. And—and it is fair. Fair. And it’s kind of weird. Fair. But it’s like—it’s—yeah. It makes sense if I see it this way. So why not go this way? Because the other way… led me here. And… yeah. I don’t want to keep screaming.

No. I love, love, love your awareness. I love it. Love it. Love it. And—bingo.

And another way to think about it, just to ground it in even further—so I already love your way of thinking and saying—just brilliant—and it’s kind of like this: Somebody’s going on their TV. They’re on the television and they go to channel 3 and they see what’s on channel 3, and then they go to channel 10 and they see what’s on channel 10. It’s not one is fair and one is not fair. They’re just on a different station.

So if they go, “Oh, I’m on channel 7,” and they’re seeing a bunch of negative things—well, they’re hanging out on that channel. And if they go to channel 15 and they’re seeing positive things—it’s not like, “Oh, that’s not fair, you’re on a…” Well—change the channel, right?

Yes.

And so—yes. So—and of course patterns are more specific, but—but it’s the energy. The energy.

And so I’m going to ask you to breathe. Bingo.

Empowering Yourself with Positivity

And I’m going to ask you to breathe. Now, this is another piece—are you ready?

Yes.

So if you feel like everybody else’s life is hard and unfair and look at what’s happening to them and them and them and them and them—and it’s upsetting you—then how great and fair do you feel like it is for you to have an amazing, wonderful, incredible life?

Yeah. Not at all. Yeah.

Oh, then it’s not—what?

Yeah, it’s not at all fair.

Oh. Okay. Yeah.

I already felt it a little bit in the last few weeks actually, because I got so much better and I was like almost floating, and then—yeah—it like dipped. And I was like, “What? Why am I back? Like, do I have to put all this work in again? Like, am I at brand zero?” Like—oh, sorry. But like, I don’t know. I know your story. Kind of funny you said that.

Yep. I got you. Yeah.

Okay. But this is the thing, right? So…

Yeah. Of course.

So it just means—now notice for a moment—it just meant that there were other hidden pieces that you needed to see. Like these.

Yeah. You see that, right?

Totally.

Okay. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. Give me one second. Bingo.

Lightening the Load of Shame

So if I ask you—why so much shame?

I don’t know…

Feeling like I’m less than. Like I should be more. I should be perfect. I… yeah, that’s right.

Because Universe—I should be perfect for everybody and save everyone and be there for everybody and be what society expects of me and—

You know what? That’s right. You should be. What is wrong with you?

Yeah, right?! I should be doing everything, everywhere—have saved everybody by now.

I know. I should be a superhero right now.

I don’t even know what you’re doing. What’s wrong with you?

Yeah. Clearly. That makes sense that you should be doing that then.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. I should have found the magical potion that makes me perfect—by now, you know. I’m 38, so…

Oh my god. Wait a second. You’re 38 and you’re not perfect yet? Oh my god.

Yeah. Like most people are perfect by the time they’re like 25.

Exactly. I’m so grown up. I should be so grown up. Right?

Yeah. I should be the perfect mom as well.

Of course. Yeah, you should. You should be. Yes.

And I know—I know. Universe made you less than. It’s like—this is what happened. Universe said, “I’m gonna make everybody from premium people parts,” and then with you it was like… “some lower-class people parts for you.”

Yeah. Exactly. That’s exactly what it felt like. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That—that makes sense. Universe was like, “Meh.”

Yeah, yeah. Lower. Yeah. That’s why I’m just like… just for others. And I stuff. And yeah—it made total sense with my—yeah. Now it makes sense why you’re so inferior.

Of course. Of course.

So I’m going to ask you to breathe.

I love your sense of humor. Just brilliant and beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And I’m going to ask you to take in the feeling of what it would feel like to feel like you are good enough.

Shifting the Internal Identity

[00:36:00] And not only good enough, but that you’re wonderful, that you are made of the same incredible light and energy as everyone else, that you are valuable—not because of what you do, or who you help, or how perfect you are—but just because you are you.

Yeah…

So I’m going to ask you to breathe. And just take that in.

Okay…

And what would it feel like to truly embrace that—to really know that? That the shame isn’t yours. That it never belonged to you. That it’s been something you’ve been carrying, but it’s not your truth.

Yeah. That sounds like such a relief. Like I can let go. Like I can be me, finally, without proving anything.

Exactly. That’s the feeling. That’s what you want to embody and live and radiate. You don’t need to carry that burden anymore.

Makes me emotional. But in a good way. Like a release.

That’s beautiful. That’s healing. And that’s what you’re doing—right now. You’re making a breakthrough.

Integrating the Emotional Shift

So now I’m going to ask you to breathe again. And I want you to hold that new belief—not just mentally, but in your heart. That you are wonderful, worthy, and enough.

Yeah.

And what if this whole experience—everything you’ve been through—was leading you here? Not as punishment, but as preparation. For who you’re really meant to be.

That would make it all… make sense. Like it wasn’t just pain for the sake of pain. Like it’s a path.

Exactly. A path. A healing journey. And you’re walking it beautifully. With insight, with courage, and now—with a new lightness.

Thank you. Truly. This feels so different now. Like I can finally breathe. I mean, really breathe.

You’re so welcome. And I love that. That’s exactly what I want for you—to feel that freedom, that release, and to move forward from a place of strength and clarity.

Thank you so much.

Absolutely. You’re doing incredible. And this is just the beginning.

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