Questions (IQ): How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Hurting Your Relationships (IQ. 271)

Welcome to Heal Yourself. Change Your Life. My name is Brandy Gillmore, and after recovering from my own life-changing injury, it’s become my mission to share with others the same discoveries I made that changed my health and my entire life. Our minds are truly incredible. The placebo is proof of this.

Each week, I will take this simple awareness to a whole new level. I will even coach live callers to free themselves of physical pain using only their mind, and then I’ll provide you with a combination of practical and spiritual insights that you can use to master your mind, your emotions, and your energy to help you heal your health, yourself, and your life.

Let’s begin.

So let’s talk about the topic of people pleasing and also creating loving, harmonious, wonderful relationships, because so often I see people when they are working on the topic of people pleasing, they actually end up making it backfire in a way that creates disharmony or problems in their health, their life, their relationships, their connections.

I see it all of the time. And so, and that’s part of the reason that this topic is coming up is because even the word people pleasing, so often I’ll see people who start to link it up in their subconscious mind that it’s a bad thing to please people. And then what ends up happening is then they end up having abrasive connection, like they have this negative energy towards people pleasing.

And so the problem is that pleasing people isn’t necessarily the problem. But the subconscious mind is, if you’ve been starting to understand or you’re aware of the subconscious mind, it takes information very literally. So if you get something programmed in, the idea of people pleasing could feel like a negative thing, and what I mean by that is this: I love pleasing people.

I love having love-fest relationships where they’re just sweet, loving, wonderful relationships. That is my goal and that is the, that is my setup, if you will, in life. Like I have relationships that it’s just like, it’s really sweet. It’s very, very giving and thoughtful, and what happens is there’s this sweet reciprocity, and that’s what I call the love fest, is that you end up setting that up in a way that just feels so sweet.

Now if I said, “I don’t want to please people,” well, that’s not the answer. I do like to. I just also am selective, and I love to create that loving connection. And so instead of saying, “Don’t please people,” it is please people, but the right people in the right way And it ends up being really, really sweet.

Now, going deeper in this, because so often I’ll see people who at a deeper level they go, “Oh, you’re just people pleasing, people plea-“, and so they start to get this abrasiveness. And again, at the subconscious level, they’re actually programming their minds that it’s bad to please people. Now, the real problem, if you will, behind the topic of people pleasing that’s not very well labeled, is the problem is sometimes people are stretching their boundaries or only doing what pleases others, but not taking time for themselves also.

Then that’s the real issue, is not taking time for self or not being able to say no if you want to say no to something. That’s the problem. So people pleasing is not the problem. The problem is what is the other issue that’s happening? Is it not being able to say no in a loving way? Because as we go further into this topic, this is what I’m, I see all of the time.

I see people who get into spirituality or personal development, and then they start working on some of their relationships, and they go, “Well, I need to set boundaries, and I need to stop people pleasing.” Now, what starts to happen is that their relationships start to feel like boundaries, start to feel like I’m not gonna people please.

Now, as you can probably imagine, this energy doesn’t feel like the love fest. It doesn’t feel like that sweet, collaborative connectedness And their life reflects that, and their relationships reflect that. And so they have a harder time with relationships, and I see this all of the time where I’ll work with somebody where somebody’s got some major health issue, and part of what’s happening is their relationships, and they’re like, “But I’ve been doing all the things.

I’ve been, you know, setting my boundaries and, and not people pleasing, and I’m try-“, and so they, they feel torn because they’re doing all the things, but the energy behind it isn’t great. And so that’s ultimately where we want to go is what is the energy? What is the connection that you want? So notice how I said I don’t hate people pleasing.

I love to please, but in a healthy way, and then it’s a loving, wonderful love fest. It’s a beautiful connection. And even if I say no to something, a lot of times what I’ll say is I say this. I say, “You know what?” I’ll say, “You know what? I love you, but I can’t do that,” or, “I love you, but no.” Or whatever it is.

Like, it’s a sweet, loving, wonderful way, so it still feels like even a no comes with love, and even j- just setting a boundary comes with love. And so ultimately, that’s what you’d want to do is really think about your life and think about how you want to make people feel and how you want to feel in that and set that up.

Because what I see people do is they get deep into the analytical process of, “I need to set boundary. I need to be able to say no. No more people pleasing. No more…” And that abrasiveness doesn’t go well for their health, their life, their relationships. And, you know, if we go deeper in that, that’s really ultimately where you want to go is exactly that is, is if there is an issue, identify what is really going on underneath.

If there’s a people pleasing, what’s going on? Because sometimes what you’ll find is it’s a little bit trickier than you think. For example, I’ve worked with people who were people pleasing, and part of the reason is because maybe they had a tendency to take out anger on others. And then what would happen is then they would feel bad, and they would feel guilty about it, and then they would people please to try to make up for it.

Now, when they then tried to just fix and remove people pleasing, they realized that it, things didn’t go that well. Because ultimately they never fixed the real problem, which was getting really angry and upset and frustrated with people. That was the bigger issue. And so that’s ultimately what you’d want to do to change this, is look at what that is.

So even sometimes people will people please. Why? Because they feel a deep sense of insecurity in a relationship or abandonment issue. And so people will have this insecurity or abandonment, so what they’ve done to compensate for it is people please and people please to try to make up for it and connect.

And then what happens is then they go, “Okay, well, I’m not gonna people please anymore.” So they stop doing kind of what was the patch, if you will. It was kind of like the, the backup plan was people ple- pleasing. It was, it was kind of a Band-Aid on and things, and they didn’t really fix the real problem, and that real problem then can become bigger.

For example, if, if, you know, if we ex- expand on that, if you think about somebody who’s had an, a insecurity or a fear of abandonment, and so then they start to people please and people please. Now it’s kind of curbing their fear And creating a connection for them. So then if they say, “Well, you know what?

I’m tired of always people pleasing.” And then they stop, but they never fix the actual issue, then their fear of abandonment, fear of rejection goes what? It goes up, where it can affect their health, their life, their relationships. I see it all of the time. And so that’s the insight that I want to share, and part of the reason is just this, uh, seeing it more and more and more just recently, just people having this very, very issue, and they’re not really addressing the underlying problem.

And so those are the insights that I want to share is number one, i- or probably three insights. Number one, I would get rid of the term people pleasing because in a, saying in a negative way. Because again, I like to people please, but in a healthy way, and have that, and a reciprocity, and a sweetness, and a connectedness.

So I would get rid of that term completely because you don’t want your subconscious mind to link up, “I don’t want to please people.” No. In a healthy way, it’s fantastic. So that’s number one. Number two, if you have had that pattern, ask yourself what is the underlying thing? Like what is really going on?

Why is that a compensatory pattern? What is it, what is it compensating for? What else is going on? And then resolve that, right? And then number three insight is decide how you really want your relationships to feel and work towards creating that because, you know, so often people are saying, “I don’t want this.

I don’t want that. I have to set the boundary. I have to do this. I have to do that.” And the feeling that comes from that, it’s not great. It’s not creating the relationships that they want, so they’re getting so much inside of their head, and it’s all backfiring, and I see it all of the time. So those are the insights that I want to share on today’s quick IQ episode.

And that said, it has been so wonderful connecting with you. And as always, I want to ask you, please do take just a quick moment to hit the share button on this episode. You know, share it with somebody you love, somebody you care about, or somebody you don’t even know. Because the more that every single person in our world feels healthy and happy and loved and loving, truly the better this world is for all of us.

And by the way, also on that note, if you are somebody who is working on healing yourself, there is also a free training, a link to that in the show notes, so you can understand more about mind body healing and how it works and how to get results in your life. So those are the insights. It has been such a pleasure connecting with you.

I wish you an incredible rest of your day. I look forward to connecting with you on the next episode. We’ll see you there.

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And of course, each volunteer will really need to follow through to reinforce their programming to maintain their results. But the point is for you to see that you really can create rapid results in your health and your life if you really understand how to use your mind. You’re incredible. And I do want to be clear, though, that most people will not get results this fast on their own.

I make it look very easy because of the discoveries that I made. You’ll want to remember that there’s so much more going on in our minds at a deeper level than people realize. That said, if you want to send me any questions or comments, come visit me on my website at BrandyGillmore.com/podcast. And if you’re currently experiencing physical pain and would like to be a volunteer on the show, you can sign up there as well.

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